The DOs and DON'Ts of Ultimatums
Dear Maxwells: I have been with my partner for 3 years and we have yet to take that next step of getting engaged and planning a real future together. I feel like we’ve been together long enough to be sure about each other and I don’t want to waste any more time. Some of my friends say it’s time for an ultimatum but I’m not so sure. What would you suggest I do here?
Dear Reader: Thank you for your question. Ultimatums are sometimes necessary, but rarely used in a productive manner. Below we will map out some do’s and don’t of ultimatums, and answer your question in the process.
Do: Understand your deal breakers and boundaries.
Know what your deal breakers are. For example, in your case, it sounds like waiting much longer to make a decision about your future with your partner might be flirting with dealbreaker territory. Other deal breakers that may involve giving ultimatums are things like whether or not your partner wants kids, whether your partner has a serious substance abuse problem or other form of addiction that they aren’t managing. Repeated infidelities or constant lying usually fall into dealbreaker territory. And obviously, emotional, verbal or physical abuse also fall into the dealbreaker category. Whatever the deal breakers are, it’s important for each individual to have a real sense of what is a deal breaker and what isn’t. And a deal breaker is just that…something that if not changed, would mean the end of the relationship, or would disqualify someone from being a potential partner. When it comes to ultimatums and deal breakers, an ultimatum should only be used as a last resort, not to force your partner to do anything, but instead, to establish a firm boundary for what you need so that they can make an informed decision one way or another.
Do: Use ultimatums as a last resort, but never before.
Ultimatums should only be used as a last resort after many open and honest conversations. We are all imperfect humans and relationships are complicated and the issues and handicaps we all have are nuanced and rarely, if ever, black and white. Most issues that might require an ultimatum usually have many facets to them that need to be talked out and understood before it’s appropriate to draw a line in the sand. Things like long term commitment, like in our reader's case, are wrought with gray area, and many conversations need to be had that leave both people feeling understood and heard before anything like an ultimatum gets thrown around. Taking our reader's question as an example: have you talked to your partner about why they are not feeling comfortable or ready to make a long term commitment? Do you know what their concerns, fears and objections are? What about their parent's marriage? How is that impacting their reticence around moving forward with a long term commitment? What beliefs about love and long term commitment do they have and are they, and you, even aware of them and how they are impacting the relationship? If you don’t know the answer to all of these questions then you are nowhere near ultimatum territory. And in any problem area of a relationship, this concept applies; make sure you’ve asked all the right questions, and really heard and understood your partner before considering giving them an ultimatum.
Don’t: Use ultimatums as a form of manipulation.
Far too often people use ultimatums as a way to try and force their partner to give them what they want. They haven’t asked all the right questions yet, nor have they stepped into their partner's world and really gotten them. They want what they want and don’t know how to get it, so they use ultimatums as a form of manipulation to try and force their partner to change. In the long term this doesn’t work because real change is contingent upon mutual respect and understanding, as well as an authentic desire to change on the part of the person doing the changing.
Don’t: Use ultimatums during arguments.
Unfortunately, ultimatums have a tendency to get thrown around when people are in the middle of an argument. Comments like “If you ever do this again, I’m leaving you!” are generally empty threats that we have heard countless clients make to each other in our years of coaching couples. Things like threatening divorce or break up’s or things being the “final'' straw are all too common during arguments but they are usually used as a tactic to hurt back or “win” an argument versus creating any sort of productive movement with the issues at hand. Ultimatums need to be communicated in a calm and non accusatory manner, advocating for one's needs in as clear and direct a way as possible, while leaving the drama and blame at the door.
Do: Be willing to “die on the cross” of your ultimatum.
Lastly, If you are not willing to stick to your ultimatum, even if your partner doesn’t agree to honor it, then don’t make it. This is a good test to see if you are actually willing to make an ultimatum in the first place, to ask yourself “am I willing to stick to this if I don’t get what I want?” If you aren’t, then you aren’t ready to make an ultimatum and there is more communication to be had.
