Fighting the Good Fight
One of the most common issues that we see in our coaching practice are couples who don’t know how to fight. That doesn’t mean that they don’t fight with each other. Quite the opposite actually. What it means is that they suck at fighting. Fights don’t get resolved. Issues tend to resurface over and over again. Fights get nasty and mean and super escalated. Or, on the other side of the spectrum, we see couples avoid fighting at all costs. The notion of a fight in and of itself is something to avoid no matter what, better to just keep the peace and sweep it under the rug. Both of these ways of relating to fighting are dangerous and cause long term issues in relationships. The truth is that fighting is a necessary part of a healthy, thriving intimacy.
Fights are imperative in relationships because they are opportunities for the inevitable points of friction that come with relating to another human to get sorted out, resolved, and for a structure to be put in place as a result of that resolution that ensures the issue won’t happen again or at least will be dealt with differently. Fights are imperative because they are opportunities for each person in a relationship to exercise humility by looking at themselves and taking ownership for their role in co-creating the dynamic at the source of the fight. If done well, fights will deepen the love and connection between two people as well as strengthen the foundation of the relationship as a whole. They will ensure better results moving forward and the strengthening of working as a team. The secret is in knowing how to fight well. Fighting well means fighting quickly, respectfully and then knowing how to get resolved and move on. Here are some guidelines in how to master the art of good fighting.
First and foremost, understand that the vast majority of the time, what you are fighting about is not what you are actually fighting about. Meaning, that whatever triggered the fight is not the real reason for the fight. Fights are caused by dynamics in a relationship. A dynamic, as we define it, is any pattern in a relationship that repeats itself. Like a see-saw requires two people to make it work, a dynamic in a relationship is co-created by both people, no exceptions. Most relationships have a few main dysfunctional dynamics that repeat themselves over and over. When couples are unaware of their role in co-creating a dynamic, fights can come from anywhere because the underlying dynamic is still in play. A common example of a dynamic that we’ve seen more times than we can count would be both members of a relationship feeling like they “do more” than the other in terms of chores, household or kid duties, or making an effort in the relationship. To move the needle with this issue, both members of the relationship need to understand that this is a dynamic, co-created by both parties, and turn their fingers towards themselves to get curious about how each one of them is co-creating this dynamic.
The best method of doing this is actually to listen to what your partner is saying and say it back to them before getting defensive. Not 100% of what they are saying is gonna be correct, but we can all but guarantee there will be some truth to some of what they are saying. Fights escalate because people don’t listen to each other and are unwilling to take their partners' feedback to heart. Flip that script and get humble. Ask yourself where your partner may have a point and what you can own up to and take responsibility for whatever it is that they are complaining about. Then actually apologize and mean it. If both people do this, a resolution is close to guaranteed. Imagine what would happen in relationships if each person was in a race to apologize first. Another way of saying this is to care more about your partner's experience than your need to be right.
Another helpful tip is using the power of a “time out” when things start to escalate. Nothing can get resolved when a fight becomes escalated. We’ve all been there. Our feelings are hurt, we are angry, sad, jealous etc and we can’t control our emotions. In this state, we end up doing and saying things that we don’t mean and then dig a much deeper hole than there was before, making it harder to get to a resolution. “Time-out’s” can help pause an argument before the damage that escalation brings has a chance to rear its head. We suggest that whoever is the less triggered person in an argument be the one to call the time out. Time outs should last as long as it takes for each person to get to an emotionally regulated place where they desire a resolution more than their anger.
We think of true resolution in an argument as something that happens when both people feel heard and understood and when there is some form of structure put in place to help deal with the dynamic better in the future. You will know an argument is truly resolved when there is no need to ever bring up the same fight again in the future.
